This is my life.

I’m not even sure where to start anymore.  I’ve taken to writing more in my actual journal than my tumblr, but I decided it was time to make a post. 

This city is a cruel, cruel, mistress.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt as alone as I do when I’m in New York.  It’s a hard thing to explain unless you’ve personally experienced it, but with as many people as are in this city you would think you’d never feel alone.  I myself even wrote about how I never felt alone, I was naive

On a more personal note, I think one of the things i’m liking the most about being up here in NY is that you don’t ever really feel like you’re by yourself.  Just sitting outside on my fire escape, the white noise that comes from everything around you really does make you feel like you’re part of something. My birthday is also coming up really soon, i’ll be 24 in New York City… I can’t think of a better way to start off another year.

I wrote that on September 3rd.  I wrote that almost 9 months ago, and holy shit was I hopeful.  I’m moving again in August, I feel like I was meant to be a wanderer and I should just keep doing it until I find somewhere that truly feels like a home to me.  Over the last nine months I’ve met some incredible people, lost some incredibly close friends, and over all started to resent myself for some of my decisions.   Oh well, life is a learning experience.

I don’t really know what the point of this post was going to be, I think I really just needed to have an emotional purge.. so here it goes… 

I’ve always been in a relationship, ever since high school i’ve been dating one person or another… this lasted all the way up until a few years ago with my most recent ex.  Since then I really haven’t had a desire for a relationship, it’s just not something I want, need, or crave.  I’m a big fan of going out on dates, but I like things to be casual.  I think it’s my inability to want to grasp for a relationship, but also the fact that I have a very limited emotional spectrum.  My emotions are essentially one of three things; angry, giddy, or relaxed.  My lack of variation I think is what has cost me the most turmoil.  I mask things well.  

I’m not going to be resigning my lease in August I don’t think, unfortunately that thought doesn’t really scare me.  Excuse the shitty analogy, but I like to think of it as ending a chapter and starting a new one.  The plot will go on, i’m sure we’ll find a few new twists and characters.  Hopefully some characters will make it from the previous chapter to the next, but realistically some of them are going to get killed off.  It’s unfortunate, but true.

In some more upbeat news, I officially have the appointment made to get my tattoo finished next month, so it’s nose to the grindstone until then to make sure that I can actually afford to make it happen.

I know you’re reading this and just so you know, you took the cowards way out.

Let’s play a game.

It’s called help provide me with entertainment.  Thanks.

An actual update

So I decided to take advantage of the weather.  It’s not too cold, and finally not raining it only seemed appropriate to sit on the fire escape.  It’s been a weird time here in the city, this past week in particular hasn’t been the most pleasant.  In addition to some personal stuff that I have going on, a friend and former co-worker was killed earlier this week and they held the wake yesterday.  I’ve dealt with death before with the loss of grandparents and family friends but this was the first time in a while that i’d actually gone to the viewing… it was one of the harder things I’ve had to go through.  I like to tell myself I can handle just about anything that gets thrown at me, but I can’t.  Unfortunately my spectrum of emotion doesn’t cover much more than relaxes, excited, and angry.  None of those seem appropriate for what I have to cope with.  The processing of it all has been rough, but i’m doing my best.  It was nice to get a chance to say goodbye one last time, I didn’t think I’d cry… but I shed some tears.

In some other less sad news, but still not the best… I’m not sure this city is right for me, I don’t feel like i’m actually happy here… i’m a lot happier compared to when I was living in Manassas but something still feels like it’s missing.  I need to make some big decisions over the next few months on whether or not i’m going to be resigning my lease and giving the city another year, or if i’m going to pack up shop once again and relocate… time will tell.

For some good news, I got my first tattoo started this past week.  It’s a half sleeve for my sisters, the both of them mean a lot more to me then I actually let them know… they know now, but I think getting their favorite bird and flowers on my arm for the rest of my life was a good indication.  My little brother has the idea down right “Family is Forever”.  As of now it’s just an outline, but I plan on getting it colored in and finished next month once i’m able to save up a little bit of money.

In some irrelevant news, my favorite band put out a new album, so i’m pretty stoked to be listening to that, and one of my favorite authors had a new book come out recently that I need to purchase.

Hope all is well for everyone else.

in the catholic ghetto, born and raised

at the playground is where I bullied most of the gays

relaxin chillaxin communion all cool

oppressing some minorities outside the school

when a couple of gays who were up to no good started making out in my friendly white neighborhood

I burned one little cross and the blacks got scared

And said “You’ll never be in the White House as long as we breathe air”

(Source: mechastreisand, via wonderingoff)

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed